Wishes and Birds

I thought it would be different.

I thought the clouds would gather themselves in shame and the river would look more blue and the birds would not dare taunt me with their freedom.

I thought the world would stop.

But people are still moving still pushing forward still living and I am here breathless insignificant alone.

I want to be numb, to not feel the wind burning my skin the cool metal against my feet the caving hollow in my chest. Everything latches on to me and all I want is to be weightless.

I let go.

Review: Anna and the French Kiss

Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins
Contemporary fiction
Four stars

Anna's life is going well: she's headed to senior year with her best friend and crush/possible boyfriend. Then her parents ship her off to boarding school in Paris. Thrown into the unfamiliar, Anna struggles with language barriers and adapting to a new city and culture. But she soon finds friends, and among them is Etienne St Clair. With his British accent and bright personality, she falls hard and fast. The only problem is his girlfriend. Conflicted between these new feelings and her sort-of-relationship back home, Anna's journey is filled with romantic tension, betrayal, and honesty.

Here comes the cheese. I realize this book isn't going to get any awards for originality, but I just loved reading it. The writing is pretty simple, but there's a depth to it too in her observations and interactions. The characters aren't particularly developed, especially the secondary ones, but I really didn't care. It's not distracting enough to take away from the overall plot. I just enjoyed it - I was grinning and laughing with the characters, I understood Anna's struggles and dilemmas. Her relationship with Etienne was quite realistic in that sense, the awkwardness and frustration and pacing. And there's another level to the story, it's not just a cheesy romance novel. It's about experiencing new things and growing from them and learning to adjust. It's about friendship. Also, it just made me really want to fall in love with a British guy.

“How many times can our emotions be tied to someone else's - be pulled and stretched and twisted - before they snap? Before they can never be mended again?”

Some Things I Find Beautiful

I think there are a lot of ugly things in this world. There are deaths, battles, fears, lies. They gather around us, sink into the air, spill over our feet. We are fallen.
But I also think that we are surrounded by beauty. I think that it can be found anywhere if we know how to look. I think we can draw it out from the darkness and surround ourselves in it, become lost in those hidden moments. So here are some things I find beautiful:

1. Words. There is beauty in the combination of words, in their patterns and expression and meaning. Words are language, they are how we communicate. We communicate to learn information, to inspire, to create relationships. And having a relationship, building a connection with someone, is at the very core of what it is to be human.

2. Trees. I use them a lot in my writing because they are such a symbol of strength, of growth. We become so desensitized to them, but when you actually stop and just look at one, it's incredibly complex. The way they unfold and expand outward, how there are so many sections and crossings. So many individual leaves. How they change throughout the seasons, blending colours and adapting. It's just crazy.

3. Children. They have such amazing creativity and imagination. They are not held back by logic, by responsibility, by social norms. I feel like we lose something as we grow up, some part of us that believes the floor is lava and capes can make you fly. There is beauty in that, the freedom.

4. Actions. Our acts can be beautiful, how we respond to and treat other people. Being aware and open-minded, realizing that we are all humans with our own stories and experiences. Beauty is not limited to visual stimuli, it is in the things we do. I am inspired when I see this, when someone smiles back or offers directions or lends me some change if I don't have enough. Beautiful actions make beautiful people.

5. Laughter. I love the laughter that just explodes deep in you, that creates sounds you never thought you could make. I love the ache in your stomach after, the soreness in your cheeks. I love how contagious it is.

6. Rain. Whenever it rains I just want to run outside and dance in it. I want to feel it against my face, let it run down my spine. It's like thousands of diamonds streaming from the sky, feeding the earth. There's just something so magical about it.

Another Little Poem

I twist the ring around my finger,

pull it off then put it on again.

I sit down on the grass

beside you. I tell you about

my day, how I

saw an old friend

bought a new shirt

found a penny on the ground.

The wind comes then and

I swear I can smell your

perfume, the one that smells

like daisies and red candy.

I stop talking and silence folds

around us. I keep playing with

the ring, but when I try to put it

back on it won’t fit.

I feel it then,

a tear running down my cheek

and then more come and

they won’t stop and it’s so

cold and my fingers are

trembling and I can’t get this

damn ring back on.

I close my eyes and

fall back against the grass

right beside you. I tell you about

my day, how I

stayed awake for hours

smelled your perfumes

stared at old pictures of you

until I had them memorized.

And I lie there next to you

and imagine you are

holding my hand. 

Review: The Fault in Our Stars

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
Contemporary fiction
Five stars

This book is about a girl named Hazel who has been diagnosed with a severe form of thyroid cancer. She's been surviving off of miracle pills, but she knows her illness has always been a terminal one. Limited by the oxygen tank she carts around, Hazel spends her time attending college classes and reading. And prompted by her mother, she attends a cancer support group where she meets the sexy, in-remission Augustus Waters. As their relationship develops, they will push and guide each other through pain, discovery, and love as they examine what it means to live and leave a mark on the world.

I usually don't buy books that I haven't read yet (from a friend or library), but I took a chance with this one. It just had such good reviews and the praises on the back are from three of my favourite authors - Markus Zusak, Jodi Picoult, and E. Lockhart. I had high expectations, and even though it was different from how I thought it would be, I fell in love. I fell in love with the writing, with the characters, with the pure rawness of the novel. This is my first John Green book, and he is just ridiculous. He manages to capture the spirit of a teenage girl so well in his writing, and he does it with such amazing depth and insight. His observations are striking in their beauty and realness, in their ability to evoke power in truth. I just read his words over and over. And his writing allows for such a connection with Hazel, for the way she sees the world and the people around her. The relationships are so realistically portrayed and developed, not only between her and Augustus, but with her parents as well. The dialogue between the characters is both hilarious and devastating. Picoult says it perfectly: "Filled with staccato bursts of humour and tragedy." I was literally laughing in the middle of my sobbing. But what really made the book was just the reality of it. The idea is not particularly unique, with the terminal illness and everything, but Green manages to bring such originality to it. You see the characters at their worst, you see the effects cancer has, not only on their life, but their family's. The cover calls it "irreverent," which I think is the perfect description. It is not some cheesy story about acceptance and coming to terms with death. It is about suffering and fear and finding meaning where you can.

I just want to keep reading it forever.

“I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is improbably biased toward consciousness, that it rewards intelligence in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed. And who am I, living in the middle of history, to tell the universe that it - or my observation of it - is temporary?”

Also recommended: How to Say Goodbye in Robot by Natalie Standiford. This just reminds me of it.

Those Perfect Stars

Well it took me long enough, but I finally finished my short story. There comes a point in writing where you have to stop editing and just be done with it. So I hope you enjoy it. I hope it makes you feel something, helps you find meaning. That's all any writer can ask.

Please read it here. 

Review: Fall for Anything

Fall for Anything by Courtney Summers

Contemporary fiction

Four and a half stars

Eddie Reeves's father has committed suicide and she is left reeling in the aftermath, surrounded by questions that can never be answered. Her father was a brilliant photographer, full of life and inspiration and love. What could cause him to leave everything behind? Distancing herself from her friends, she soon becomes acquainted with one of her father's old students, Culler Evans, who reveals things about him that she never knew. With his help, she tries to uncover explanations, but their attraction grows and the relationship takes a dark turn. Eddie is shaken from grief but she needs Culler's help, and she must decide what she is willing to do for answers, and if they are truly worth knowing.

Courtney Summers is one of those authors I hate. I hate her for the way she touches subjects so deep in so few words, for how she captures the rawness of emotions so beautifully, and basically for her outrageous writing. She has been one of my biggest inspirations, and I am so envious of her talent. Her style is very distinct, very abstract and fragmented. This adds a powerful imagery to her writing. You become so engaged with the story and characters, so consumed in their emotions and struggles. Eddie's loss, not just of her father, but of herself, paints the whole novel, and there is an incredible connection between reader and character. Summers is so talented at developing her characters, making each one unique and giving you such a strong sketch of their personality. The relations and tensions between them are magnetic, explosive, beautiful. You are drawn in. And although the conflicts in her writing tend toward the dark, they are lightened by moments of laughter, joy, discovery. It's just a magical novel about death and friendship and letting go.

Just read it already.

“This is awful. This is so hopeless. We're all lost in different ways, so how do we even help each other find our way out. We won't. We can't. We'll just stay lost forever.”

Also recommended: Some Girls Are and Cracked Up to Be by Courtney Summers 

Review: The Maze Runner

The Maze Runner by James Dashner
Dystopian fiction
Three and half stars

Dashner's book begins with the main character, Thomas, waking up in a dark lift with no memory of anything other than his name. When it's opened he is helped by a group of young boys living in the Glade, a section of land surrounded by large stone walls. Every morning the walls slide open, leading to a seemingly impossible maze that the boys have been trying to solve for years. And every night they close, sealing anyone outside from getting back in - and no one's returned alive. Thomas' arrival is no surprise as a boy is sent to the Glade once a month, but when a girl shows up the next day bringing a message, everything changes. As the group rushes to solve the maze and the way out, Thomas must search for answers of his own, starting with the ones locked beneath the surface of his memory.

So Dashner isn't one of the most poetic writers, but he definitely knows how to keep a reader interested. The book is very action-motivated, very straightforward in its delivery. There is a mood of suspense throughout it, which is frustrating at first because the reader is given little information, but becomes more exciting as the plot moves along and discoveries are made. Also, the writing style can create a lack of connection with the characters at times, an impression of flatness. But you do experience the sense of community between the group of boys, you understand their fear and desire for escape. It was fairly realistic in terms of their interactions and the way they organize themselves. There are moments of humour, pain, anger, anticipation. It's hard to put down because of the fast-paced plot, and I was legitimately terrified at a few places. Dashner's novel is adventurous, a little gruesome, but ultimately a story of survival.

“Just follow me and run like your life depends on it. Because it does.” 

Finish the series: The Scorch Trials and The Death Cure by James Dashner

A Little Snippet

I am currently working on a short story to post. I'm super excited to get back into writing again, to be motivated. But it's been pretty slow lately - I can't seem to follow my own advice and push ahead. Perhaps I will try some writing exercises to help me loosen up. Anyway, I thought I would post a little sneak peek to give you an idea of what's coming up:

This is how I live now - in my memories. They are the only reason I am here, pushing deeper into this blackness, this rank existence. That and the fear. It is almost a comfort now, a reminder of everything I have lost and everything I have to lose. Without it I am nothing. 

The aid comes in the room then and asks me if I want to sit outside for a while. I nod. She offers a hand and I almost slap it away. I don't need her help. But I take it because I am just an old woman who cannot let go of the past, even as I watch it spill through my fingers. 

Review: The Sky Is Everywhere

The Sky Is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson
Contemporary fiction
Four and a half stars

This is Nelson's first book. She creates a story around Lennie, a seventeen-year-old band geek who lives with her grandmother and older sister, Bailey. Lennie has always been the quiet one, living in contrast with Bailey, who is passionate and beautiful and fearless. But in a sudden and tragic accident, Bailey dies, forcing Lennie to take control of her own life. In the devastating aftermath, Lennie is pulled toward two different boys. One is Toby, Bailey's old boyfriend, who relates to her grief and helps her in it. The other is Joe, a boy recently moved to town, full of life and joy and music, who separates her from her grief. In her journey to recovery, Lennie must decide who she is without her sister, who she wants to be, and who will be there with her.

It's been a while since I've read this, and I forgot how much I love it. It made me cry more than once, perhaps because I can relate to it. I have an older sister and a strong connection with music, and these relationships are so magnificently described in this novel. Nelson is one of the most beautiful writers I have come across. Her language is so abstract, so poetic, and able to carry such deep emotion in so little words. Between every chapter is a little note written by Lennie on various mediums, and these poems have such impact on the story, on understanding Lennie's character. She is at times difficult to connect with, but you feel her grief so intensely that you never completely lose her. The relationship painted between her and Bailey is incredibly strong, you  feel yourself break at her loss, suffer through her grief. That is another thing about the book - all the characters are so deep, so three-dimensional. They all have their own story and identities, and this creates moments of incredible rawness and intensity. I thought this was going to be another awful love-triangle book, but it is refreshingly realistic. You see Lennie's guilt for her feelings toward Toby, her uncertainty about Joe's character. This realness is so evident in the novel's dealings with loss and love and music and healing. It is just a beautiful work.

"My sister will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn't go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. That's just how it is." 

Review: Numbers

Numbers by Rachel Ward
Sci fi / romance
Four stars

Ward initially wrote the first chapter of this book as a short story when she was younger. It depicts the life of Jem, a teen girl with a special ability. When she looks at someone she sees a number - the date of their death. This, along with past experiences, has caused her to separate herself, unwilling and unable to maintain a relationship with the terrible knowledge she has. But Spider, a boy from school, manages to get around her walls. While together on a trip to London, Jem notices something's up - the people around her are all marked to die that day. After fleeing the scene they are noticed by the authorities, leading to a thrilling chase of questions and discovery.

It sounds a little dark, but it really is a good read. Ward incorporates romance and humour and action and depth in a beautiful manner. The novel explores questions about death and fate and love and loss. It is raw at times and light in others, the perfect combination. I also love British writers. They just have this certain style of prose and language that is so different and charming. This comes out in the characters' dialogue as well, which creates a strong sense of personality. Jem is portrayed as very rugged and defensive. She is overwhelmed with her power, but as her relationship with Spider progresses you begin to see her grow and open up. You see her fear, her uncertainty, her vulnerability. And like the characters, the story itself is well-developed and paced. It is haunting and dynamic and has a lovely simplicity.

"And we lost ourselves in each other, gently exploring the faces and features we'd thought we knew so well, standing in the rain in the dark, in a totally different dimension."

Finish the series: The Chaos and Infinity by Rachel Ward

Some Things I Have Learned

I have grown a lot in my writing over the last few years, thanks to much encouragement and inspiration from others. Writing is about sharing experiences, connecting with people, creating something meaningful, and it is so important to be involved with other writers. This is how we learn from each other. This is how we grow. 

So here are some things I have learned about writing: 

1. You don't have to have everything planned out. I have always been a bit of a control freak with my stories, figuring out exactly what would happen and how it would end before I started writing. This is not good. It limits your creativity and your freedom. As strange as it sounds, let your characters guide you. Let the story write itself - don't force it. Obviously you have to have a general direction in mind, but sometimes you will be surprised. Sometimes you don't figure something out until you've written it. And when this happens, when your story unfolds itself before you, it's pure magic. 

2. Calm down on the adverbs and adjectives. 

3. First drafts are going to be disgusting. I still struggle with this as I find myself constantly editing over what little I've written instead of pushing ahead. The first draft is your words spilling out, your ideas leaking onto the page. Write what comes to you and worry about the details later. 

4. Know your characters. Whenever I'm having a bit of a block I ask what does this character want? What are they working toward? What drives them? Your characters are the center of the plot, so you need to understand them. You need to see the world as they do. But again, be careful not to limit them. 

5. Writing is hard. It is beautiful and emotional and rewarding but it is hard. There will be dry stretches, periods of frustration, moments of disappointment. Times when you want to give it all up and just work as a princess at Disneyland. But there are also times of absolute wonder and truth, of celebration and pride. Of pure creation. These are the moments that make everything worth it. These are the moments that you live for. These are the moments that remind you why you love to write. 

A small note for writers: On Writing by Stephen King is an excellent book about his journey as a writer with some wonderful tips and encouragement 

A Little Poem

I am the breath of the wind

the rage of the ocean
the free-tumbling sand. 
I have escaped my prison
broken the hourglass 
removed your mark.

I belong to no one.

I have thrown away my ties
set loose my soul
and never looked back.
I have forgone all hope
turned away happiness
tossed my anchor
but it has not caught
and I keep drifting

through these 
untamed waves. 

Review: Uglies

Uglies  by Scott Westerfeld
Dystopian fiction
Four stars

Uglies presents a world in the future where, after you turn 16, everyone undergoes an operation to become beautiful. They grind down and restructure your bones and put on new skin to create a community of "Pretties" where life is full of fun, partying, and something else. All Tally wants is to get the operation, but in the weeks before she befriends a girl named Shay who shows her an alternative life. Tally must make a decision with the authorities watching her every move - betray her friend or never become pretty.

I've read a few other books by Westerfeld, including his Midnighters series which was pretty good, but this is my favourite of his. The premise is a little strange, but it's pulled off well. I love reading futuristic books, but I often find them too outlandish or not well explained. The society presented in Uglies is not perfect, but also not entirely off-base; it's quite believable in its focus on outer beauty and societal order. I also enjoyed the new technology that is introduced, hoverboards and bungee jackets among them. Some of the language was harder to adjust to - with adjectives like "bubbly" and "bogus" - but it does act as a reminder of the time difference. As for Westerfeld's writing, it is not particularly poetic or abstract, but more action-oriented and fast paced which reflects the character of the book. It's an easier read but still well written. Another positive note is the main character, Tally. She is strong and vivacious and determined, but she also makes mistakes. She is put into difficult situations and makes some tough decisions, and the reader is not always supportive. I like it when authors do this, because it makes the book that much more real. You engage with the characters, you are frustrated with them in their imperfections and failures. You relate to them. It's beautiful.

"You've only seen pretty faces your whole life. Your parents, your teachers, everyone over sixteen. But you weren't born expecting that kind of beauty in everyone, all the time. You just got programmed into thinking anyone else is ugly."

Finish the series: Pretties and Specials, the rest of the trilogy by Scott Westerfeld, and the companion novel Extras

Review: The Book Thief

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak 

Historical fiction

Five stars 

So this is one of my favourite books. It's quite popular, and although I originally read it for an English paper, which usually makes me dislike a book, it made me fall more in love. The story is set during World War II and follows the life of young Liesel, who is sent to stay with a foster family. She develops a love of reading, and soon begins stealing books to satisfy her hunger for words. The family eventually takes in a Jewish man, bringing the threat of the war to a new level. 

I am in love with Zusak's poetic writing style, with the descriptions and the dialogue and the movement of the words. There's just something so pure, so beautiful about them; I never want to stop reading. Hitler's influence is so powerfully experienced, and the relationships so incredibly depicted, the novel just sucks you in. But the most interesting and unique aspect of the novel is the narrator: it is written from the perspective of Death. (Zusak explains this literary choice in his interview.) I thought it would be strange, but he pulls it off beautifully. The character of Death is so deep and original and thought-provoking and a little sarcastic, you almost feel attached to him by the end. This is what I love most about the book, that the characters are so well developed. You feel such a connection to them, you empathize with them, understand them - that is what great writing creates. 

This is definitely one to reread. 

"How does it feel, anyway?"

"How does what feel?"

"When you take one of those books?"

At that moment, she chose to keep still. If he wants an answer, he'd have to come back, and he did. "Well?" he asked, but again, it was the boy who replied, before Liesel could even open her mouth. 

"It feels good, doesn't it? To steal something back." 

Also recommended: I am the Messenger by Markus Zusak. It's a completely different story, but it's hilarious

A Little Introduction

I want to write. I have discovered this about myself over the past few years. I want to create language and life and meaning. I want to explore people and behaviour and beauty and transform them into words. I think there is nothing more wonderful than when writing generates emotion. That's when you know the author has captured something real and raw - when you connect with the characters, the story. When you feel their fear, when you laugh out loud, when you cry with them, when you hold your breath until the end of a paragraph. I want to evoke those responses, to create a relationship with the reader. I want to write.

Almost all of my favourite books have made me cry. This is something important about me - I love sad endings. I love death and betrayal and loss. This may seem rather dark, but I think death brings out people's true thoughts, their purest emotions. I am fascinated with how people react to death, how they grieve and respond to it. Happy endings always leave me with a sense of falsity, of cliché. They so rarely occur in reality that it feels too construed, too artificial. But I also have to admit that I do enjoy a bit of cheese fiction here and there. Or everywhere. I can't seem to stay away from those awful teen romance novels with poorly written prose, horribly predictable plots, and cheese of the worst kind. Maybe this balances out the death thing. I don't know what it is, I just love the awkward characters and dialogue, I love laughing at the plot holes and twists. It makes me feel better about my own writing, I guess. But recently, I have decided to limit myself to these wonderful creations and read more actual literature, in case the cheese rubs off on me. I will try to contain myself on the reviews. 

Now allow me to clarify: I have complete respect for any author, and I will do my best to reflect this in my reviews. It takes a lot of work and dedication to write an entire novel, and a great risk. When I write something, I put a tiny piece of myself into it. I am revealing something about my experience, my thoughts, my life, into the work. To put your writing out there for others to read is incredibly rewarding, but also puts you at risk for criticism. And if other writers have the same intimacy with their work as I have, you are, in a sense, putting yourself, your character, at risk for criticism. You are allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and I think that is a brave and honourable act. Of course some authors are better than others, and everyone has their own taste and style. I welcome critique and comments on my work, as hopefully I will post some short stories of my own. I just ask that you as readers extend the same courtesy and respect to me.

I shall begin the book reviews soon, mostly in the YA (young adult) genre. There's a lot of crap out there, and I will attempt to highlight the good stuff. It does exist. 

A small note to add: I highly recommend the site Goodreads for any reader, I keep track of all my books through it. It's wonderful.

"The whole difference between construction and creation is exactly this: that a thing constructed can only be loved after it is constructed; but a thing created is loved before it exists." -Charles Dickens